Attn: robbers, murderers, and rapists!

I discovered tonight that my front door has not been locking AT ALL. My deadbolt was already out of commission, because the bolt wasn't lining up with the hole. So I had just been using the door handle lock. And I thought I was locking my door. As in, you couldn't get in from the outside. When it was "locked."

Apparently all this time a simple shove would've opened the door, even with the door handle locked from the inside. At least a rapist didn't teach me this lesson, right?? I guess that's a positive way to look at it.

Oh, how I love the previous owner of my house. She Who Shall Not Be Named did so many FABULOUS things to my house. Tonight I discovered another one. See, the problem with the door was that both of the strike plates were not aligned properly with the locks on the door, and sticking too far out, not leaving enough space for the locks to "catch" inside the door frame. I saw this and thought to myself, "Self, this could be a simple fix. I just need new strike plates, or at least ones that are installed correctly." So I took them off. And oh lordy me.

I think the door frame is the original door frame to the house, and I think it was retro-fitted for this particular door and these particular locks. And I think She Who Shall Not Be Named had her genius brother or father do this (for further examples of her brother's genius, see: deck collapse). There are giant holes chiseled in the door frame to allow for the locks. So big, that a normal size strike plate cannot be properly screwed in place. At least, not that I can discern.

The temporary good news is that with both of the strike plates removed, BOTH locks work properly! Tonight my deadbolt is locked for the first time in months. But, the locks are sitting in an old wooden frame, which I know is not safe. Someone could kick it in pretty easily. But, at least the door is actually locked now.

And also lucky for me, I purchased an entirely new lock set at Home Depot last week. So I just have to figure out how to install it. Or have my dude friends help me figure out how to install it. :) Looks like I have a weekend project. And I need to tackle my kitchen door too, because the deadbolt there doesn't work anymore, either. Oh, the joys of owning a 57 year old house.